Blog Post PP#6, Tirakian

Caity Tirakian

PP#6 

Through this project, I have learned that living vicariously through your children is dangerous and harmful, but is fixable. There are many negative implications to both this style and the opposite extreme of neglect or being permissive. It is necessary that the parent recognize why they behave in the way they do. The three main causes as to why parents live through their children are that parents never got to experience the thing they are pushing on their kid, parents want to benefit through their children’s success, or parents feel the need for their child to be perfect. While living through your children seems helpful, it has a very negative effect on the children. Parents just need to realize it’s better to work in agreement with their child and not through them. I would constitute my parents as part of that intermediate group of Authoritative. Not to toot my own horn, but I thought this was highly effective. I was raised with set expectations but my parents still entrusted me with a lot of responsibility and personal decision making. This style of parenting allows freedom for both parties and has allowed me to learn from my own mistakes while still knowing that I can go to my parents if the mistake really calls for some help beyond my reach. 

Caity Tirakian Blog Post #5 "Free Range Helicopter"

PP #5

Caity Tirakian Period-1 

Title: Free Range Helicopter

Image source: www.parenting.blogs.nytimes.com 

According to the Developmental Psychology Department at Vanderbilt, there are four main styles of parenting: Neglectful, Authoritative, Permissive, and Authoritarian. Obviously there is no one clear formula that will work on every child but the most effective in raising normal children is the one that falls between the extremes which is Authoritative. 

Neglectful is one of the most ineffective and harmful parenting tactics. Neglectful parents fail to care for the child’s emotional and physical needs, they don’t seem to have an understanding of what’s going on in the child’s life (who/what their friends, teachers, or hobbies are), or leaving the child alone frequently. “Neglectful parenting is damaging to children, because they have no trust foundation with their parents from which to explore the world.” Additionally, children who have a negative or absent relationship with their parents may struggle to create meaningful relationships. 

Authoritative parenting is widely regarded as the most beneficial parenting style for both the parent and child. Authoritative parents “are easy to recognize, as they are marked by the high expectations that they have of their children, but temper these expectations with understanding a support for their children as well. This type of parenting creates the healthiest environment for a growing child, and helps to foster a productive relationship between parent and child.” Authoritative parents create structure for their children with reasonable schedules and expectations. They have a healthy communication system with their children where they try to understand the child’s perspective but still expect the child’s respect. This parenting style is a happy medium between strict and too easy going. 

Permissive parenting can also be known as indulgent parenting. “These parents are responsive but not demanding. These parents tend to be lenient while trying to avoid confrontation.” While these parents tend to be very nurturing and loving, few rules are set for their kids. This inconsistency and lack of discipline can lead to the child’s misunderstanding of societal norms and expectations. It was found that, “that teens with permissive parents are three times more likely to engage in heavy underage alcohol consumption.”  These children often find difficulty following the rules in a school or work environment because they aren’t used to them in family life. “It may seem as though this would be a child’s favorite parenting style as it provides a sense of freedom without consequences, however, children crave a sense of structure to make them feel safe and. It is important in a child’s development for there to be clear cut parental and child roles.” It is important for the permissive parent to begin to set boundaries and rules for their child, while still being responsive before it is too late.

Finally, there is Authoritarian parenting which is also known as “helicopter parenting” or a parent who takes an “overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child or children.” These parents are typically strict with high standards and even when those expectations are met is the parent satisfied with the result. They “usually rely on punishment to demand obedience or teach a lesson.” While it is important to have structure in a child’s life and show interest in their activities and academics, this “support” can easily become overdone into obsession. This opposite end of the extremes can also lead to negative outcomes. “Children of authoritarian parents are prone to having low self-esteem, being fearful or shy, associating obedience with love, having difficulty in social situations, and possibly misbehaving when outside of parental care.”

All in all, there are several different extremes and happy mediums aside from helicopter parenting. In order for your child to have the highest likelihood of a positive self-esteem but still successful social and academic skills, the best style of parenting is Authoritative which has strong expectations for their child but it is pairing with understanding and respect for their child. This healthy combination helps aid the raising of well-rounded kids. 

Caity Tirakian Blog Post #4 "How to Stop Whatever the Heli is Going On."

PP#4 

Caity Tirakian Period-1

Title: How to Stop Whatever the Heli is Going On. 

Image Source: http://yowpyowp.blogspot.com/2012/12/snooper-and-blabber-scoop-snoop.html

As we’ve learned, helicopter parenting is an overbearing parenting style in which the parent becomes obsessed with the child’s activities or academics and often lives vicariously through them in order to obtain a sense of authority and perfection. This type of parenting is predominantly negative for both the child and the parent and must be prevented or stopped in order to better the child’s future. In Deborah Skolnik’s article, “How to Stop Helicopter Parenting,” she explores different ways in which helicopter parents can ease off of their intense parenting habits. She begins with why this hands on parenting has spiked recently and claims “You can go online and find out every scary thing that could happen to your child. You can also investigate every illness. So there's endless opportunity for fear. At the same time, ‘the rules for setting your little one on the path to lifelong success have become murkier than ever’, adds Margaret Nelson, a professor of sociology at Middlebury College, in Vermont, and author of Parenting Out of Control: Anxious Parents in Uncertain Times. ‘Even if you've managed to be financially comfortable and happy, you're aware your child may not be able to duplicate what you've accomplished, even if he does exactly what you did,’ she explains. ‘So you ask yourself ‘What should I provide him with?’ Without an answer, you start trying to provide absolutely everything you possibly can, including too much help.” These nervous parents need to stop exhausting themselves while impeding on their children’s development. One way Skolnik recommends this is to be a “submarine” parent instead. This means that instead of hovering, you “stay close by—in case of real danger—but mostly out of sight, so he gets out of the habit of running to you for every problem.” Another tip is to ask what your child does when you aren’t present. If your child can tie his shoes alone at school but makes you do it when you’re around, then you need to back off on the assistance there. Perhaps you can make incentives for your children using the idea of a token economy. She recommends making a chart with various chores and the child getting stickers when they can complete said tasks on their own, “Practice some basic playground skills with your child... Show him how to kick a ball, climb on the mini-monkey bars, or even just go down the slide. If you see he can do these things safely, you'll feel more comfortable sitting back on the bench during his next park playdate”, count to ten before taking action. This means that when your child begs for your attention (as long as they aren’t in danger), to wait 10 seconds before taking action. In that time, you may realize it’s not really necessary to rush to the rescue after all. Finally my personal favorite, “Sit down and have a cup of coffee. Make a brief time every day when your butt's in a chair and your metaphorical copter is on the landing pad, too. “If your child calls for you and it isn't an emergency, say ‘I am drinking coffee right now,’” advises Caine. “If he really needs you, he'll come to you, and if you do this enough, he may stop asking for help with every little thing so often.” This is the epitome of the point I’m trying to make. Parenting is a 24/7 hour job but it shouldn’t be made more draining than it needs to be. It’s okay to sit back and relax every once in a while which in turn, will actually be a benefit to your child as well. 

Further Research Question: How does this type of parenting compare to other kinds? Is there one kind that is the best? 

Caity Tirakian Blog Post #3 "Helicopter Crash"

PP#3 Caity Tirakian Period-1 

Title: Helicopter Crash 

Image source: www.lmhcmy.com 

It may seem as though making things easier for your child or choosing their decisions may be helpful for them, but in fact, these actions lead to more negative implications for both the parent and the child outweigh the good ones.  The first implication is that kids with parents who try to live through them vicariously are losing their self-esteems because of the pressures of perfection.  Not only do kids have the pressure to be perfect, but they have the pressure that if they do succeed the parent will become jealous of the child’s success. According to “A Matter of Personality” written by David M. Allen “If the child succeeds in getting through medical school, the mother may become depressed… In response, the “successful” children may then get depressed themselves.”  There’s no way to win. Children think that no matter what parents won’t be satisfied. Kids already have the pressure to be perfect from the pressures of society, coaches, or other peers meaning that losing can “feel like a double-failure to the child,” when they have parent who is applying this same intense stress on them. Regardless of parenting style, most parents want the best for their children. Yet, these “helicopter parents” take it to the extreme; they don’t want their children to face any hardships so they take matters into their own hands. Children with these types of parents aren’t being given the space to struggle on their own which means they lack the development of problem solving skills and independence.  

Further research question: How can helicopter parenting be prevented or stopped? 

Caity Tirakian Blog Post #2 "Roots to the Family Tree"

PP#2 Caity Tirakian Period-1

Title: Roots To The Family Tree 

Where does vicarious parental involvement come from, why do parents feel the need to fulfill their lives through their children’s? The reasoning is all different but in every case it is essentially the parents putting too much pressure on the children because they are placing their own desires over those of their children in order to receive satisfaction and perfection. There are three main causes for this type of parental behavior. The first is that parents had dreams as children but never got to accomplish them when they were younger, so they forced them upon their own children.  The parents have hidden desires and impulses, but acting on them wasn’t acceptable growing up. The second cause of inappropriate parental choices is that parents want the benefits of their children’s success. Many parents want their children to succeed in order to benefit the parent’s own self-esteem. According to the psychologist Jim Taylor, in his book “Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child.” “If you don’t gain sufficient meaning and satisfaction from your own life and look to their sport involvement as the primary source of ego-gratification, your self-esteem becomes dependent on how your children perform in their sport.” Some people want their children to succeed so that they will gain money, fame, or the satisfaction of success and that’s because, “sports are seductive. Fame and fortune resulting from athletic success appear to be waiting for your children if only they have the talent and determination to reach that level.” But that “You shouldn’t expect a financial return on your investment from your children’s athletic lives.”  A final cause of parents living vicariously through their kids is that parents think that their kids are required to be perfect in order to succeed in life. Parents need to realize that while their children may succeed they can’t always be perfect. Kids think they’re required to be perfect, and parents may be overestimating their child’s capabilities.

Future Research Question: How does living vicariously through your children impact the parent and child?

Source Image- www.dailymail.com 

Caity Tirakian Blog Post #1 "Parents Living Vicariously Through Their Children"

PP#1 

Caity Tirakian  Period-1 

Title: Parents Living Vicariously Through Their Children

Research Question: How much parental involvement is too much? Is being a helicopter parent beneficial to the child?

Databases:

• Proquest
• Student Resources in Context 

Sub Questions: Is one type of parenting is the best? How do parents living vicariously through their children impact the child? Should parents put matters into their own hands? Does doing things for your child help them in the long run? Are their ways to stop this type of parenting?

Image Source: www.someecards.com